I almost titled this piece, “Up at 4am.” It seems more fitting, as I realize the long break I’ve taken was probably due to depression and avoidance rather than the excuse I told myself about being too busy. Where do I begin?

Looking at my last post, it has been two years. I’ll start there. Writing became a useful tool for me to dissect my feelings about pregnancy and motherhood, and analyze how I truly felt to not be a mother at that time. Although I enjoy expressing myself and always will, the weight of sharing so much disappointment became internally debilitating. I didn’t have the strength to keep picking our hearts up off the floor, rebuilding our confidence, and then sharing with the world. I needed to take a step back, especially as I had made the career transition into education.

I was diving headfirst into a familiar world, children. So much of my childhood was shaped by the wonderful educators in my family, including my mother. I’d agree it was a natural progression for me to end up teaching, even though I swore I would never. I always commended my mom and aunts as they shared stories. Being in the role myself, I also remember the fun stories and life-changing moments they swore I would be a part of. They couldn’t have been more right. As a Reading Interventionist, I get to change the lives of many students at various levels every day.

I love watching personalities form, guiding my students toward knowledge and understanding, and hopefully leaving a positive, lasting memory in their minds. I enjoy spreading joy and hugs throughout the halls and encouraging my kiddos to keep going, even when it gets tough. Helping them read is the bonus part. I mention this to say that these moments spent with other people’s tiny humans have dulled the pain and lightened the darkness. I couldn’t be happier.

With all that said, no, we have not found ourselves with the big positive yet. Not even a little positive, well, unless you count all the irregular cycles that made me scratch my forehead once or twice. That is the downside to education, syncing with students and teachers. Just so much fun! SIKE.

I’m up at 4am on the Friday night of Mother’s Day weekend, missing my mom. I remember a time when I couldn’t imagine the world without her in it, and now here I am, 11 years after her passing, thinking about all the individuals who are feeling similar sentiments about their mothers. I think of all the moms who feel that way about their sons and daughters, unable to fathom not having their love. Where would we be without the mothers who love others as their own? I especially think of the mothers who have lost, having to continue living with the burden of an irreplaceable absence.

To all Mothers, take the time you need. Sit with yourself. Be honest. Remain strong. Stay beautiful, the world relies on your outpour (Selfish, humbling, but true.) Your love shapes the very souls I interact with each and every day. Thank you, immensely.