There is something to be said about the emotions you go through while trying to conceive. The truth is that just like losing a loved one, you are never really prepared. I think back to when I lost very close loved ones and friends. My best friend Sarah passed from a car crash the very night we last hung out. Both my grandfather and grandmother passed within a few years of one another due to health conditions. Lastly, I lost my mother in 2015. Each of those experiences I feel prepared me in some way for dealing with the constant disappointment of seeing “no” or “negative” on pregnancy tests. Again, you are never prepared.

Of course, it felt like losing my mother would be an impossible situation to recover from. Yet, here I am typing this blog with as much life as she encouraged me to live. Once you have accepted the loss, you work on navigating the emotions that come with each new NO. We are about 10 cycles into Letrozole with what feels like no end in sight. We are currently at the place in our lives where we are seeking alternative options beyond just medication and patience. We have set up a consultation for an infertility clinic to discuss options for IUI and/or IVF. Since we are both turning 35 (especially me), it is important to consider all options as time may play a large role in the success rate of pregnancies.

Most recently I missed a period. Yes, my heart skipped a beat then and as I type this, just remembering how hopeful I was to be potentially pregnant. Day one of my expected period on the Ovia app was tracked as “missed.” So was day two, three, and four. It wasn’t until I could barely move from exhaustion and the constant nausea that I thought it was time to tell my husband. My cycle isn’t truly irregular (will talk more about this another time) and ranges from about 4-6 days in length varying monthly. However, it is usually here like clockwork.

Only one other time was I in this exact situation and that was about 4 months into taking Letrozole.  So, as expected, James and I were so excited that this could be the time. My body clearly had other plans. Originally, I planned to have this blog out before my cycle would have even started. I’m a bit glad I didn’t so I could track updates closer to real time.

Typically, I have a 28-day cycle. The night before my period showed, cycle day 35 (dpo* 19), I had the worst insomnia. So, into the forum pits of hell I went! They always say, don’t go looking for something because you will find it and I most definitely did. I found nothing but horror in stumbling across forums of women pleading for guidance with PCOS and testing hell. Each comment ended with a “CONFIRMED-NOT PREGNANT.”

I can’t lie, I was shooketh to the core. Excuse me? I had found nothing but positive and optimistic forums up until that point. So, I forced myself to go to sleep. I woke up saying to my husband, “babe, I had a dream my cycle came on.” He responded, “Did it?” I ran to the bathroom because I had no cramps or anything. Sure enough, it had. I was so heartbroken. I had plans to be productive that day. I could barely stop crying. I am so thankful for a loving and supportive husband. He asked no questions, and only held me as I sobbed in his embrace.  During these difficult times, even when I am hurting, I try to think of him also. We are on this journey together. I hate seeing him hurt and vice versa. He is so strong but seeing him vulnerable brings us even closer.

It took me about 72 hours for me to accept what had NOT happened. No one can prepare you for ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, still births, failed pregnancies, etc. There is no manual for navigating such tumultuous waters. With the love of my support system, I was/am able to see through the darkness and have a more positive outlook on my journey. As a close friend of mine encouraged, “Sometimes, you just need a really good cry!” All women TTC* are looking for their BFP*. (sending immense baby dust your way!!) When it doesn’t happen, disappointment and sadness is a natural and very acceptable response to a continued delayed journey. Many women, myself included can close their eyes and envision the chance at holding their beautiful bundle of joy. A “No” means that chance is just a little further away. The one word I try to use often is YET. By not ending a chapter so abruptly, I give myself the opportunity for the best final draft!

P.S. I will always encourage that we write through our experiences.

*DPO: Days Past Ovulation

*TTC: Trying to Conceive

*BFP: Big Fat Positive