So, without giving TMI, I want to express the importance of making sure that if you are on an infertility journey, you and you partner should do your very best to make non-physical intimacy a vital part of your relationship. Go on dates, try couples’ yoga, rendezvous at a location, or take small getaways. Try to feel free, unweighted from the overwhelmingness of feeling obligated to “perform.” James and I had to have a “come to Jesus.” We needed to be very open and vulnerable about our personal experiences and how we individually approach intimacy. Since I am on medication monthly, that is a constant reminder of needing help. When we look at the bedroom, it can sometimes come with the consequence of feeling as if we are marching into battle or completing a mundane chore. I’m very much a romantic, so having days, weeks, or even months, of such an unpleasant approach disappoints me. Our main goal, besides of course wanting to be parents is making sure that we do not lose ourselves or our fire. We spent so much time focusing on cycle symptoms, ovulation timelines, pregnancy symptoms, etc., that life was waiting until the next month just to determine the answer is still a NO.

Dates or even small vacations for us are no longer how they used to be. We see them as happy moments, slivers of bliss, or even mental resets. We use those moments to re-center ourselves especially surrounding the topic of intimacy. We let our guards down and see each other as souls orbiting together and individually all at once. These beautiful and peaceful moments allow us to see each other again as we were before our desire took hold of us. Before, they were just experiences as we go through life. I see my husband as James, the man who quickly swept me off my feet with his big bright eyes and comedic charm. I hope that he too sees me as the person I was before we began our journey, or even the woman I was when we first met, hopeful and willing.

Sometimes the days after getting a negative test result seem unbearable. Sometimes, they are easier and full of acceptance. That imbalance of emotions can truly put a weight on your relationship, especially because you both are experiencing ebbs and flows simultaneously. I feel the best decision we made was checking in more often about our thoughts/emotions regarding the process. We took time to see things from the lens of the roles we have (husband/wife) and those we want to become (Father/Mother). We decided to take more time enjoying each other’s company and compartmentalize as needed. We are also doing our very best to accept the things we cannot change while still having our goals.  However, I realize I am still that person, hopeful and willing. I am hopeful that our time will come and I am willing to give myself and our marriage the grace and patience it needs to survive the journey.